The Laundry – Online Dating

I met several guys online, but I was too afraid to meet any of them in person. I even cancelled actual meet-ups with all of them, because I was too afraid of what it would be like to meet someone online. I blame Catfish.

– NotForTheFaintOfHeart

I was getting a little desperate after trying online dating for so long. When I finally found a guy I liked, I pretended to be a fan of the same college football team, but really, I was a die-hard fan of his biggest rival. I sat through an entire season of college football until our teams played each other. Right before half-time, I screamed – in front of all of his friends – about how much I hated his team and how they were a bunch of losers. They thought it was a joke, so I played it off until I fessed up the next day. We dated for another month. He wasn’t the one, but at least I learned my lesson about being true to myself – and to my team.

-GoGator

I’m 54, and dating again after a nasty divorce. I was married to my husband for 18 years. 18 years of pure hell. So, when I began dating again, I decided that I just wanted to have fun. I had a little too much fun. I decided to try to date a 32 year old, and I just couldn’t keep up with his constant going out. One night I just left him at the bar because I really wanted to get home and catch up on my DVR.

-NotACougarAfterAll

So this story, is a little R-rated.

I met a guy online who I thought was handsome in a ginger way. I’ve never been much on ginger men, even though I am a ginger woman. However, on this one so lonely evening, I agreed to catch a movie with Mr. Red.

After the movie, we chatted, laughed, and even found out we were from the same small part of the world. So far, so good…

Skip forward a few days, days filled with texting, phone calls, and POF messages. All which fueled the flame, of “he’s hot, I like him,
and I haven’t been laid in a while.” He comes to my house to visit and “hang out” We all know after the age of 25 hang out means. We only went to second base. That’s it. I’m a lady, after all.

Fast forward a week, things are still hot and heavy between me and Mr. Red. I’m digging him, and he is definitely digging me right?
Texting me, calling me, having dinner, watching movies, it’s great. All is good in the hood. He comes over one night, a late night,
because everyone has a need sometimes, we are hot and heavy in the middle of pawing one another. I decide to let it go past 2nd base when Mr. Red just stops, looks at me, and says, “I am so sorry, I don’t want to marry you. I had a girlfriend who died in a car wreck, she’s been speaking to me in dreams, and I can’t do this.”

I see RED at this point, and say to him, “You couldn’t have come to realization 3 minutes ago? Really?”

Needless to say, Mr. Red was shown the exit, with a full on GREEN light to go. He left, and a few weeks later messaged me again
apologizing and begging for another chance. Every once in a while I get a random text, and always ignore it, or politely, because I’m a
lady, decline.

So when I started dating my current boyfriend and he was shopping for TVs, who do we happen to run into at HHGregg? Mr. Red. He was our salesman. After my boyfriend had asked all of the questions I knew he had, and also knew he wasn’t buying that day, I look at Mr. Red, as sweetly as possible, and say, “I’m so sorry, I don’t think we are going to marry this TV just yet. I’ve been having
dreams that it just isn’t the one for me.We just can’t do this right now.”

– Amber

I once went on a date with a guy I met online and he said he was 28 but try more like 48 and the amount of hair coming out of the top of his shirt was very disturbing. Then I found out from a friend that he had a family but they hadn’t moved to town yet so he was just enjoying his free time. But luckily he didn’t scare me off from online dating because the next 28 year old that came around I married! And we are celebrating our 10 year anniversary next week.

– Jeanette, from Growing a Large Family

I’m one of the lucky ones that just happened to find love through online dating. There were a lot of bad dates, though, and I almost deleted my profile. It started out as other grad students. One was a harmless but completely boring chemistry Ph.D student. Too bad we had absolutely no chemistry at all. And, there was a Shakespeare scholar with OCD and a serious need to prove his intellect. Too bad he had to make point of noting how he “couldn’t make a habit” of buying me a $5 lunch on a first date. Then there was a tech guy, that I’m pretty sure was lying about his age, who had to check out any restaurant I suggested for himself to see if it was good enough for him. He also felt the need to offer to pay my bills after only a couple of date. Needless to say, he got kicked to the curb pretty quickly. And there was a very attractive investment broker that had so many good qualities but just had to say upon meeting me for the first time how relieved he was that I indeed looked like my profile picture and was not chunky like all of the other women he had met online. Girl, it really is crazy out there. I don’t know how I got lucky with meeting my husband, but I am so glad I did.

– Lauren, from Will Sing for Makeup

I met a guy from a dating website. We met to go bike riding. He seemed so nice. After he hugged me when we first met, he said “I’m sorry, but you’re just bigger than what I’m used to. I don’t think this will work.” And then he left. I’m a size 14. A 14. That kept me from online dating for years, because it was so hurtful, and I only wanted to date someone that had seen me in real life so I could avoid any more hurt. When I finally found the courage to try online dating again, I ended up meeting my husband, and he loves me just the way I am.

– 14IsNotFat

During a break from graduate school, I tried online dating because I had few friends in the new (and enormous) city that I had moved to just weeks before. Most of the messages went absolutely no where, and I beginning to find the whole exercise worthless, but then I started exchanging messages with a witty, handsome guy a couple of years younger than myself. After several messages, we had our first date: we played putt putt and went to have some pizza. We had an absolutely lovely time together; there was plenty of mutual attraction, and the conversation was fantastic as well. We made plans to meet again. Naturally, I couldn’t leave it alone; as soon as I got home, I proceeded to Google/Facebook stalk my admirer. Naturally, he popped right up…only his muscular, fit frame wasn’t wearing the trendy, prep-boy shirt and shorts from that afternoon. He was wearing…a spandex bodysuit, a mask, and – wait for it – gauntlets. Fucking gauntlets. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I had nabbed myself a real-life superhero (just like the ones you’ve seen in the documentaries). Instantly, Sondheim’s lyrics came to me… “Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? Me here at last on the ground…you…leaping through the air. Send in the clowns.” After that, I had a lengthy break from OKCupid. – Canio’s Jealousy

That is too funny! There was no such thing as online dating back when I was “on the market”. – Chrysa


Share YOUR hilarious, heartbreaking, or embarassing online dating disasters by filling out the form below. (Clothesline Confessional reserves the right to curate these stories to protect our delicate eyes from any super x-rated material.)

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